closure

I e-mailed the now ex last night to ask for some stuff I'd left at his house.  I would guess that everything I left there would fit in a grocery sack, and none of it is crucial, but I'd like my books back.

Originally, I wanted to use this excuse (though I wasn't think of it as an excuse at the time) to ask him what the hell happened, to attempt to extract an explanation for the abrupt end of our relationship out of him.  On the advice of a good friend, I didn't.  I just asked for my things, to be delivered via a friend, so with no direct contact.

My request was simple and short.  So was his reply.  If I can read between the two lines, I can almost sense a relief, whether at getting this last reminder of "us" out of his life or that I wasn't asking questions or creating drama, I don't know.  I could be making up the relief, even.

Realizing that, how much of what went on with him was influenced by me "reading" things into reality?  I don't know.  I do know that I wasn't honest with myself about my reasons for wanting my platter and books and hairdryer back.  I wanted another chance, another opportunity to possibly find out WTF happened.  I hoped that this would be an opening for an explanation.

It wasn't.  I was relieved and disappointed.  Relieved because I knew at some point I would ask (I really like one of those books and the platter), and disappointed because I didn't get what I wanted.  Now I realize that I don't need it.

Closure is a myth.  Why will I feel better if he tells me what happened 5 weeks ago?  I won't.  It'll dredge up the original pain of being dumped, I imagine.  He wanted to be broken up.  We are broken up.  What more is there to know?  All I need to know to move on was that he did not want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

So I know that.  I do feel better now than I did five weeks ago.  I still miss him.  I still miss us.  I am still sad.  I've spent a lot of time thinking about myself in that relationship, what worked, what didn't, what I know now that I didn't know when I started.  But I've spent a lot of time on myself, working through the things I think I was putting aside in favor of being conflicted by my romantic relationship, and I have instead been trying to figure out what this adoption reunion means to me and my life and my emotional state, and that feels good.

I have closure in that I can give it to myself.  I can decide to honor what we had by honoring his decision and need not to be a part of my life anymore, at least not in that way (and maybe in no way at all).  I can smile because I deserve to.  I can do yoga and read and live my life, because my life was never about one relationship alone.  I can acknowledge the hole and let it be for now.