consolidating procrastination

Today, in a fit of procrastination from the list of "fun" things I really didn't want to do and another fiction writing challenge for my writing group, I finished the blog consolidation I've been working on for a year or so.  I started sand in 2005 as a personal dumping ground/diary for my thoughts and musings on the world, but over the years, have blogged in a few different capacities.  I did my stint of food obsessiveness and participated in three ultimately unsuccessful group blogs.  I've consolidated two of those blogs into this one, as those were all in my own voice and don't need the context of others to make sense.  This is an incomplete portrait of a woman becoming, with months of heavy chatting, and months and even years of virtual radio silence.  Still, overall, it is part of who I am.

I am also procrastinating feeling.  In my head I think I should be over being single yet again.  I've been single before.  It's in the archives!  I am good at it (although I don't think that it's my superpower).  And I still feel abandoned, alone, and a bit pissed off that it ended through a phone call.  I was flirting with the idea of being friends with the now ex.  Would it work?  It might.  I don't entirely agree with the linked piece, but what I can agree with is that as long as the bargaining phase of grieving the end of a relationship is anywhere on the horizon?  No.  Just no.  No so hard that Nancy Reagan would approve and give me a headband.  If my mind can still seriously play with "if he would just" and "if I could be more" then, no.

I miss the companionship.  The ease of being with another human being.  The casual touching that exists inside a relationship.  And when I am honest about it, I want more than what I had there.  I want a different communication style and level, I want a different feeling within, I want something that fits better.  I hate giving up.  I am stubborn.  I want the square peg to go through the star-shaped hole just by the sheer force of my will.  And I am working on the inner 5 y.o. still stamping her foot because it wasn't.

I wasn't blogging when this relationship started, or when it got rough the first time, or when it was amazing.  It started well -- meeting at a group dinner.  I liked him, but not enough to actively pursue, but he e-mailed me.  He asked me to dinner, and when I agreed, suggested two places -- enough planning on his part to show interest (he didn't just say "well, where do you want to go?) but without being overbearing (which allowed me to address my own food issues without explaining them).  We had sushi.  We talked until the restaurant closed and then awkwardly and quickly agreed to see each other again before we got frostbite trying to talk outside.  It was honestly one of the best first dates I've been on.  And that memory, regardless of anything that comes after, is worth having.  So are many others from the past year and a half. 

Knowing something isn't working doesn't make it not worth the experience.

So right now, I'm just trying to remember this great tip: Just Knit instead.